Claim me

It’s my first post being composed on my year and a half old smart phone. I’ve been trying to conquer the super sudoku app on this same phone, anything to keep my mind occupied.

I finally reactivated my fb accounts and found myself dreading the newsfeed only to realise that I don’t see updates if undesirable people aren’t my contacts. I’m always torn between this inordinate desireto see how you are and the deeper but more distant need to preserve my sanity from further threats.

I’m trying to make this quiet life normal again. You are everywhere! The only way I can avoid you is to stop watching you tube clips, suits (which I love), and not go to school. I still have three months to learn how not to seek pain, which is your face and demanding voice.

In the end, I think I wanted you to fight for me in spite of the irrational anger. I really just wanted you to realise that my one crazy series of losing my temper was nothing compared to
everything that had led me to that point. But like so many before us, before you, I scared you away.

Comforting familiarity, chilling reality

please keep the pain away

i cautiously returned to ehf-bhee today. it still — honestly, earnestly — hurts to remember why i deactivated my accounts in the first place. but i did it anyway because the questions from friends and family were a bit too uncomfortable to handle. “bakeeet? what’s the story behind that?” or “i don’t like you! you unfriended me!” no, no, i didn’t… i just withdrew into my shell.

and deep in this strange, cavernous heart of mine, i just wanted to curl up and weep.

(In photo: SR embraces the icon of the Humanities for comfort, solace, security)

how can you be mine and i yours if you are the very source of what maims me? 😥

allergic to ehf-bhee

i don’t know exactly how many days ago i swore off ehf-bhee. all i know is i am genuinely frightened to go to the home page. if i see the log-in page, it will freak me out mightily. i don’t want to go anywhere near that place. i have more than one account there, two with my real name, two with my alter ego identities of this is one. but i can’t go back there.

that world is fraught with too many pain-filled opportunities. it’s the innocuous like, the unmindful sarcasm in order to gain popularity, the wanting the image to be glorified, that the pettiness of human nature and wild, abandoned youth play themselves out and i am unable to screen out the sparks that turn into poisonous darts that do maim me permanently.

all i know is that i can’t go back there. you are all over that place and when i try to put my mark in cyberspace via that platform, i unwittingly hurt others.

last night, at coffee bean and tea leaf in eastwood mall, my BFF and i pseudo-inked the terms of my new life. ehf-bhee is one of the things that i have decided to give up forever if i am to protect my existence in at least two different planes. 

as i write this, my chest is so tight and the echoes of compliments as to how good i look now (i really do look good of late and i don’t know why except to convince myself that sadness becomes me) are the only things i can think of right now. that i miss _____ is a given. it will be so for a long time to come. and i have no intentions of overcoming it in any forced way. it will come to pass it is meant to do so. if not, then you are with me for a very very long time.

Katya Lucia, 1

Four days from now, Katya…

– would have been

– will be

– is turning

… one year old. 

Like her older brothers, she would be walking by her first birthday. Her musical genes cannot be denied and she rocks on her own, swaying from side and sings along with Kuya M and Diko K, especially when they were practising their carols before heading out to go from house to house in the neighbourhood. 

She has the most beautiful locks that curl at the nape of her neck and she is content to lick all the toys in the house. Her eyelashes are long and curly, just like her father’s. When I see her putting her soft, pink lips over the toy saxophone I bought for her when she was 6 months old, my heart swells.

She is fair-skinned like me but I know her hair will be thicker and stronger than mine. She will be stronger and bolder and she will know how to say No. She will conquer the world, my Katya.

I love you and miss you, Katya Lucia. Advanced Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mama SR